As a teenager, you can already assume that my advice isn’t perfect and doesn’t always apply to anyone, but it works for me on a fairly regular basis so I thought I’d share.
1. No one knows what they’re doing
Whether you have your entire career and life planned out, or you just go with the flow and don’t quite have a clue at what your future job will be, you have to tell yourself, “no one knows what they’re doing.”
Life is a constant mess of twists, turns, and flips. Even the smart kid planning for Yale and being an anesthesiologist has no idea what’s next. They don’t know who their real friends are, they don’t know if they got into their choice college, they don’t know if they’re doing it “right.” And it is completely okay if you don’t know what’s happening in your life at every moment. If you ever catch yourself thinking, “wow they have it all together,” or, “I wish I knew what I wanted to be as an adult,” just say to yourself, “they don’t always know what’s happening, they’re going with what they’re given.”
“I have a confidence about my life that comes from standing tall on my own two feet.” -Jane Fonda
2. There’s no such thing as ugly
I know all of us have heard the “real beauty is on the inside” crap. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not crap, but has it really helped anyone past 4th grade?
I am going to put this in the most scientific, logistic way possible: there is physically, scientifically no definition of beautiful. It is all because of society. Every single feature that has ever been put down has been simply because it wasn’t accepted at the time. Throughout history, you can see how “perfect” bodies have changed. In ancient Greek art, women can be seen with love handles, belly fat, small breasts, and very rarely with hourglass figures. Over time, it became more accepted for women to have larger breasts, smaller waists, and less body fat. In the past, people who weighed more were seen as rich and powerful.
Another thing to remember, specifically for women, but men included, we have organs. And that may sound like a fairly straight-forward remark, but it is important to acknowledge when it comes to losing weight or trying to be “healthy.” Being healthy means different things for everyone. It is nearly impossible to have a perfectly flat belly or no stretch marks. So love your body.
The same goes for men; as shown in historic art, men’s “perfect” bodies have evolved from larger, brawny men, to buff, defined muscles, to thinner physiques. During what is known as the Gilded Age, men were accepted as heavier, with what we call a dad-bod. Being heftier showed being of higher status, much like women at one point.
So before you go judging your brown eyes, your thick thighs, or your belly fat, remember we were all born the way we were scientifically created. All humans have their own traits not a single one is ugly.
“Confidence. If you have it, you can make anything look good. ”– Diane Von Furstenberg
3. Positive Talk
I know this one is hard, but it is important to push on yourself. As an insecure teenager, I always have something bad to say about myself. You need to stop putting it into words!!
When you get dressed in the morning, which I’ll cover more in section 4, you should look in the mirror and, instead of saying “my belly looks fat,” “my arms don’t look right,” etc, say “this is a really cute shirt,” or “I love the way my legs look in these pants.” Even if you don’t genuinely believe it yourself, you should tell yourself how cute you look. I say from personal experience, it works in the long run.
Another example of this in places you don’t notice is hard work. I recently applied to an arts school and I noticed how much I put myself down regularly. Even in a normal conversation with my best friend, I will joke about how dumb I am. This is not a healthy behavior!
When having a conversation with someone about yourself and your goals/achievements, reword how you speak. Instead of “I don’t think I’m going to get in,” say “I really hope I made it!” It encourages you to look for the positive in what you’re doing instead of how you could have messed up. I consistently say that I don’t know how I got into my current academic program, when in reality, I am a smart person. I just simply don’t see it in myself. Look for the positive in yourself. Force it into your everyday life.
“I taught myself confidence. When I’d walk into a room and feel scared to death, I’d tell myself, ‘I’m not afraid of anybody.’ And people believed me. You’ve got to teach yourself to take over the world.”– Priyanka Chopra Jonas
4. Clothes don’t make confidence
Wearing what is popular or what is “accepted” at the time will not make you confident! Everyone needs to spend time finding their own style, whether it be bright pink, “basic Starbucks girl,” 80’s chic, or whatever fits you and your personality.
Finding your style is 1000% better than making your personality fit another.
Personally, I haven’t found my own style. I don’t fully know what I like or what I best fit into, but I do know that I am most comfortable in clothes considered to be “butch lesbian.” Although I love cute dresses and nice shirts, I love the way I look in cuffed jeans and flannel or basic t-shirts.
When you find your style that you are in love with, you will find yourself criticizing your body less and less because you focus more on your self-expression.
“Find what makes you feel comfortable. The confidence you wear your clothes in is what’s really going to shine.”– Hayley Hasselhoff
5. All emotions are valid
If you’re mad, you’re mad and you have every right to be. Same for nervousness, sadness, and every other emotion in the book! Just because you can see why someone else did what they did doesn’t ever mean you aren’t entitled to how you feel about it! Emotions aren’t choices, but it can be chosen how you respond to them, which is what screws some people up.
The best way to respond to emotion is to take a minute, breathe, readjust, and attempt to explain your viewpoint as calmly as possible. Sometimes, you find out it is just a simple misunderstanding and then your emotion might fade. Maybe you’re in the wrong, maybe you’re in the right, in the end, all that matters is how you respond, but never think that you have to justify your emotion or they aren’t important! An emotion is justified simply by you feeling it. It’s just how our brains work.
A quick note for men who grew up thinking otherwise, you are allowed to have emotions! Society has pushed men to be strong and closed off. You don’t need to and letting emotion out is always the best choice. I feel emotions very heavily and I tend to hold them back to the point where I can’t cry when I feel like I’m done. It’s terrible and I don’t want anyone, male, female, or anywhere in-between, to feel they can’t express feelings.
“Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.”– Benjamin Spock
6. Just Vibe
I know this heading sort of defeats the purpose of a whole page on how to vibe, but it is a feeling in and of itself. “Vibing” is a state of being. It is a feeling of freedom and expression. The way to achieve vibing is just being yourself. As someone who doesn’t fully know me, I can understand that being yourself is difficult, but hear me out.
When music is playing at a party, and you feel like dancing, dance. Don’t give it a second thought, just get out there and express yourself. Anxiety might be causing you to doubt yourself with thoughts of what the others will think, how you might fail, etc, but remember that anxiety is just that: thoughts. Get out there and dance to your heart's content.
When you like someone, tell them! You don’t need to ask them out, or even better, ask them to a movie or lunch or another kind of hangout to get closer to them. Don’t forget that someone not being attracted to or in love with you isn’t a bad thing, nor is it a personal offense. It has absolutely nothing to do with you as a person unless they say otherwise, and I believe that if you are a bad person, you subconsciously know.
“I think the best way to have confidence is not to allow everyone else’s insecurities to be your own.”– Jessie J
Lastly, to wrap this up on a good note, if you ever feel unloved, I love you! I know I am most likely someone you don’t know, but just trust that there is always someone out there to text or call. And in the meantime, just vibe!!
